


Free

by Caera1996



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Gen, M/M, Spring Fling
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-17
Updated: 2015-06-17
Packaged: 2017-12-15 05:59:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 11,140
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/846110
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Caera1996/pseuds/Caera1996
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>PART 2:</p><p><b>Warning:</b> Mentions past assault.<br/><b>Summary:</b> A few weeks after returning from their trip to Iowa, Jim is acting like nothing ever happened and Leonard, though patient, is confused.<br/><b>Notes:</b> Read Free, Part 1 here. This part is for heavenlyxbodies. Happy Birthday! So sorry for the delay, but your request inspired more than I’d realized. I hope you like it!</p><p> </p><p>PART 1:<br/><b>Title:</b> Free<br/><b>Author: </b> Caera1996<br/><b>Rating:</b> PG<br/><b>W/C:</b> 8,365<br/><b>Disclaimer:</b> Not mine.<br/><b>Summary:</b> Written for the mccoy_and_kirk Spring Fling Fic Exchange, to answer abigail89’s prompts:</p><p>                                     01 Spring break trip (Academy-era or AU university)<br/>02 Medical featuring BAMF Bones<br/>03 Anything involving McCoy being awesome (and you can interpret that any way you want)</p><p>I feel like I definitely got 01 and 03, with maybe just a sideways glance at 02. I hope you like it!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [abigail89](https://archiveofourown.org/users/abigail89/gifts).



> **Note:** This story mentions PAST spousal domestic abuse, and verbal child abuse. Again, it’s in the past, and over. Nothing is graphic, and everything ends well.

Jim had never had a friend like Bones. He’d never had someone in his life who cared about him the way Bones did…with a scowl and a grumble, and a gentle hand to fix him when he was hurt or sick. He’d become Jim’s best friend, the one person he could trust to always tell him the truth and also always be there when he needed him.  
  
That was a surprise. It wasn’t necessarily what Jim was expecting from the individual he sat next to on that transport from Riverside.  
  
Feeling very content, Jim lowered the PADD he was reading and closed his eyes, his head cradled comfortably in Bones’ lap. Bones had one hand resting on the center of Jim’s chest, idly rubbing his thumb over him. A newsfeed was playing low in the background, and though it was chilly and wet outside, it felt warm and comfortable in the apartment. And Jim felt it as he let go and slipped just under consciousness.  
  
Leonard felt something change, and he glanced down at Jim, letting himself stare when he realized that he’d fallen into a light doze. A small smile touched his face as he took his time studying all of the little details that he missed seeing when Jim was a whirling ball of can’t-ever-sit-still energy. His dark eyelashes were long and full, and his full lips were parted slightly in his rest…and he looked so, so much younger asleep. There was innocence and vulnerability there, and Leonard knew Jim would never let anyone else see that.  
  
As Leonard looked his fill, he tried to categorize what was going through his head and his heart right now. It was strange to feel so protective of someone and not have any real claim on them. They were just friends. Close friends, to be sure…Leonard had never had another friend lay in his lap for a rest before…but still, friends.  
  
 _Unless there’s more,_  Leonard thought. He let that thought settle in his heart as he studied Jim. Did Jim have room for him in his life? Could they make room for each other? Leonard wasn’t sure, but as he shifted slightly, his brow furrowing as he murmured some unintelligible in his sleep, he realized he wouldn’t mind trying.  
  
Jim shifted again, and slowly blinked his eyes open. He looked up at Leonard, who cocked an eyebrow at him. Jim smiled and stretched, reaching his arms up and arching his back. Leonard tipped his head back to avoid a misplaced hand in his face and Jim chuckled.  
  
“Sorry Bones,” he said, pulling himself up into a sitting position. “I fell asleep. How long was I out?”  
  
“Only a few minutes.” He stretched too, and stood to get the blood flowing in his legs again, dropping the PADD he’d been reading to the couch.  
  
“I’m starved,” Jim said, his stomach punctuating his statement with an audible growl. “Want to go get something to eat?”  
  
Leonard considered that, mentally taking an inventory of the meager supplies he knew were currently available to them and looking out the window at the gray late afternoon that was quickly turning into a drizzly, cold night. Jim watched him, knowing exactly what was going through his mind.  
  
“C’mon Bones,” he urged. “We can go to The Little Skillet.”  
  
Jim smiled when Leonard rolled his eyes. He knew there was no way Leonard would say “no” to that. The best place to get anything approaching real Southern food in the area was always a special treat. It was a little further away than other, more convenient restaurants and bars, but it was the only place Leonard could get food that reminded him of home. And today just seemed like a good day for comfort food.  
  
“Fine,” Leonard replied, still managing to sound grumpy about it. “Let me get my jacket. Where’s yours?”  
  
“I’m fine with my sweater,” Jim said.  
  
Leonard just shook his head and pulled two jackets out of the closet.  
  
“Put it on, Jim. I need to end up treating you for pneumonia like I need a hole in the head,” he said, throwing it to him.  
  
Jim rolled his eyes, but obediently shrugged into the jacket, smiling a little.  
  
“Bones…you know you can’t actually catch pneumonia just from getting wet, right?” he asked, deliberately.  
  
“Of course I know that. I’m a doctor, not a hypochondriac. Come on, I thought you said you were hungry. You’re buying by the way.”  
  
Jim raised his eyebrows as he followed Leonard out of the room. “ _I’m_  buying? Why am I buying?”  
  
Walking side by side, Jim found that he couldn’t wipe the smile off his face as he listened to Bones grumble about the weather, about the traffic, about the distance he had to go to get some decent Southern food, about whatever happened to cross his mind.  
  
“What are you smilin’ at?” he asked Jim, when he finally stopped his soliloquy.  
  
“Just you…just…happy to spend some time with you,” Jim said.  
  
“Yeah?” Leonard asked, doing his best to keep his voice neutral. “You wouldn’t rather go hang out at a bar and catch a game? Or find someone to have some fun with?”  
  
Jim licked his lip, and crammed his hands into the jacket’s pockets. He didn’t even have to think about it. As much as he used to enjoyed indulging himself by going out to a bar and finding someone to share a good time with, he’d come to realize that he loved finally having someplace he felt like he belonged. And…someone he felt like he belonged to, even it was just his perception. Even if he knew he didn’t really have that.  
  
“No,” he answered simply.  
  
Leonard looked at him for a moment, then focused on the sidewalk, watching his feet as they walked quickly down to his favorite place to eat. The drizzle had stopped, leaving the air heavy with humidity, and chilly. The sky was a steel gray, the sun nowhere to be found. But Leonard wasn’t cold. And he didn’t wish to be anywhere else right then, either.  
  
The Little Skillet was an offshoot of a bigger Southern food restaurant in another part of the city. This place was nothing more than a counter to place a take-out order, but across the street was a little park with benches and picnic tables and a fantastic view of the water.  
  
Even on a gray day like today it was a beautiful place to relax with a delicious meal.  
  
Despite his earlier assertion, Leonard and Jim shared the cost of the meal, then, take out bags in hand, they crossed the street and found a bench that had an overhead cover.  
  
“You’re not too cold to eat out here?” Jim asked, knowing that of the two of them, Bones fared worse with the cold.  
  
“Nah…I layered,” Leonard replied, showing Jim that under the jacket, and the sweatshirt, there was a regular shirt and a t-shirt. Jim laughed softly, shaking his head.  
  
“You’d never make it in Iowa,” he said.  
  
Leonard smiled as he set to opening bags and pulling out their items, all of which they planned to share, and filled a paper plate for himself, hungry now with the aromas of his favorite foods surrounding them.  
  
“Never had the opportunity to find out, Jim.”  
  
“Would you like to?” Jim asked, before he even realized what he was suggesting.  
  
“Would I like to what?” Leonard mumbled around a mouthful of perfectly fried chicken.  
  
Jim cleared his throat and took a sip of water, suddenly nervous. He wasn’t sure what made him ask that…didn’t even realize that the thought was in his head until it was out of his mouth.  
  
“Um…for Spring Break…would you like to go to come home with me?”  
  
Leonard chewed his food thoughtfully, eyes on the younger man beside him. The request was a surprise, and judging from the discomfited expression Jim was currently wearing, it was a surprise to him, too. Leonard considered it for a moment, considered the logistics behind finding someone to cover his shifts, considered the alternative of spending the days alone when he’d gotten so used to  _not_  being alone, and most importantly, considered  _why_  Jim had asked him.  
  
“Okay, yeah, I will. Thanks,” Leonard said.  
  
Jim paused what he was doing, a forkful of greens halfway between the carton and his open mouth.  
  
“Bones…really?”  
  
Leonard raised his eyebrows. “Yeah, Jim. Really. Why? Weren’t you serious?”  
  
Jim put his fork down and nodded quickly. “Oh, definitely. I was definitely serious. I’m just…surprised. You always say how hard it is for you to get someone to cover your shifts.”  
  
“Hm. True,” Leonard replied. But then he shrugged, a small smile touching his lips as he turned back to the various bags of side dishes, looking for a piece of cornbread. “But some things are worth it.”  
  
Jim blinked, then grinned and settled back comfortably to enjoy the rest of his chicken, warmed through with the thought that Bones thought he was worth it.  
  


 

 

* * *

 

  
A few weeks later, Leonard was demonstrating just how much he thought Jim was worth it, despite the nausea that was currently churning his stomach.  
  
“I’m not so sure this was the best idea,” Leonard grumbled. He yanked the seat restraints over his shoulders and tried to fasten them. Jim looked over at him sympathetically, noticing his shaking hands.  
  
“Hey,” he said softly. He reached over from his own seat and fastened them for Bones, and then attended to his own. “It’ll be okay. We’ll be there before you know it.”  
  
Leonard took a couple of deep breaths, trying to get his racing heart under control. He closed his eyes when the pilot announced final call and ordered the shuttlecraft doors closed, hands coming up to grip the restraint straps where they crossed over his chest. He swallowed hard, his stomach fluttering with nerves.  
  
Jim watched Bones sympathetically, touched that he was willingly putting himself through this special brand of torture again, for him. Determined to help, Jim searched his mind for something – some topic of conversation that he could engage Bones with – to keep his mind off of his fear.  
  
The pilot made a final announcement, and Leonard let out a strangled sound as the shuttlecraft slowly lifted. Jim clenched his hands for a moment, then made up his mind. He reached over to Bones, urging him to relax his grip on the strap and hold his hand instead.  
  
After a moment, Leonard did. Jim bit his lip, loving the feel of Bones’ hand in his, and then he started talking, doing his best to distract and comfort. And after a little while, he thought it seemed to help.  
  
By the time they arrived, Leonard was doing a lot better. Having Jim there to talk to him and keep him focused on something else had helped. Being able to hold on to him helped more.  
  
They collected their bags and headed to the administration building to secure a land transport. Jim had arranged for them to have their own, instead of relying on a public shuttle or his mother to come and get them. Winona Kirk was supposed to be there, but Jim had learned long ago not to count on that. Not because she wasn’t reliable, but because it was the nature of the life she lived. A Starfleet officer didn’t always have their shoreleave plans work out the way they’d intended.  
  
Leonard was very curious about Jim’s home life. He didn’t talk about it much, and his manner didn’t invite a whole lot of inquiry either. For the most part, Leonard hadn’t thought much of it. Jim was his own person, after all, regardless of who his parents were. And it wasn’t like Leonard didn’t understand the desire to leave his past behind and start somewhere fresh.  
  
But there were some things about Jim – the way he related to others, the way he hid any vulnerability behind a mask made up of brash bravado, the way he seemed to very much want a personal connection with Leonard, but at the same time keep him at arm’s length – that clued him in to the fact that there was a lot more to Jim Kirk than the persona he presented to the world.  
  
Lately, Jim had become more open with him, perhaps reacting to Leonard’s own softening when it came to sharing who he was, culminating in the surprising invitation to accompany him home. Despite the necessitated shuttlecraft ride, Leonard was happy to be here. He was grateful for the opportunity to get to know Jim even better. He was grateful that Jim obviously wanted that, too.  
  
It didn’t take long to get from the Riverside shipyard to the Kirk homestead. Leonard took it in as Jim pulled off the two-lane road and directed the transport to a seemingly random spot not far from the front steps leading to the door. There was no pavement, only tightly packed dirt and rocks, with very little vegetation in the immediate area. A barn that looked abandoned was off to the side. Behind the house and across the street, though, was nothing but green. Immature corn stalks stretched out in all directions, and Leonard wondered who owned that land.  
  
“So, um…this is it,” Jim said, sounding a little uncomfortable.  
  
“I like it,” Leonard said immediately, giving Jim a small smile. “I love older houses. They have so much more character than the boxes they’re building now.”  
  
Jim smiled, the discomfiture leaving his tone. “You would like an old house. Goes right along with your old-fashionedness.”  
  
Leonard didn’t disagree. And it was a nice house. It was an original 21st century two-story farm house. And while it could do with a little touching up, that didn’t change Leonard’s appreciation.  
  
They exited the transport, stepping out into the clear, cool day. Jim stretched, reaching toward the sky and arching his back, causing his shirt to ride up enough to expose a strip of flesh at his belly. Leonard stared for a moment, until he realized what he was doing, then made himself busy pulling their bags out of the back seat.  
  
“Is anyone here?” Leonard asked. “It seems quiet.”  
  
Jim shrugged. “Probably not. Mom said she’d be here today, but she doesn’t have much control over that. But that’s ok…we can settle in, I’ll show you around, and maybe we can get some dinner started. I’m starved.”  
  
Leonard snorted. “You’re always starved,” he said.  
  
Jim just shrugged and knocked into his shoulder gently as he walked past, climbing the steps to the front door. The house had been retrofitted with all of the up-to-date technology, so Jim simply had to press his hand to the panel to gain entry. He had Leonard do the same, and coded him as a person to be recognized for entry as well.  
  
They made their way into the house, pausing to listen.  
  
“Pretty sure no one is here,” Jim said. “MOM! I’M HOME!” he yelled, making Leonard jump.  
  
“Jesus, Jim.”  
  
“Sorry…nope, not here. Well…let me give you the tour.”  
  
Jim led Leonard through the bottom floors, and then upstairs. “Bathroom, Mom’s room, spare bedroom-slash-office, my room.” He pushed the door to his room open, and Leonard stepped inside, taking in the space. It was a fairly large room, with two beds, two desks, and a long dresser with several drawers.  
  
“Two beds?”  
  
Jim looked over at Leonard and licked his lips. “My brother,” he said. “We shared a room.”  
  
 _Jim had a brother?_  “Oh.”  
  
“So…do you want to stay in here with me, or do you want to stay in the guest bedroom-slash-office?”  
  
Leonard looked around, considering it for a moment. “Here,” he said, dropping his bag on one of the beds. “As long as your brother won’t mind.”  
  
Jim’s expression darkened slightly. “Not likely, Bones. He hasn’t been back here in nine years.” He turned away from Leonard, busying himself with pulling down the blankets to expose bare mattresses. “Let me grab some sheet sets from the closet, and then I’ll show you the grounds,” he said, his voice lighter. “We’ve got a pretty little creek off a ways. Be right back.”  
  
“Okay,” Leonard said, but Jim had already hurried out of the room. Turning to his bag, he pulled out a few things, placing them on the dresser, a thoughtful frown on his face. Obviously there was a lot more to Jim and his family than Jim ever let on.  
  
Jim came back upstairs carrying two sets of sheets. Together, they quickly made up the beds. Jim looked closed off, and a little wary, but when Leonard purposefully didn’t bring up the missing brother, he seemed to relax and started acting more like himself. Done making up the beds, they headed downstairs and spent a few minutes in the kitchen. Leonard stood leaning against the sink with his arms crossed over his chest, watching as Jim foraged for something to eat.  
  
“I guess she hasn’t been here in a while,” Jim murmured to himself. In the end, they were able to pull together some snacks that would hold them over until they could do a run into town.  
  
Carrying a bag with their snacks and drinks, Leonard followed Jim out of the backdoor and across the rest of the lot to the edge of the cornfield. He hesitated when Jim slipped between the rows.  
  
“Hey…where are you going?” Leonard asked.  
  
Jim turned back, gesturing for Leonard to follow him. “Trust me Bones,” he said with a smile. “I want to show you where I spent most of my summers.”  
  
Peering down the seemingly neverending row of corn stalks that were nearly as tall as he was, Leonard hesitated. “We’re not going to get lost?” he asked, really not keen on the idea of wandering around a corn field at night.  
  
Jim smiled, shaking his head. “Are you sure you’re a country boy?” he asked teasingly as he stepped out of the row all the way, coming back to Leonard’s side.  
  
“Peach orchards, Jim. Not corn.” Leonard said drily. “Don’t you ever watch old horror movies?”  
  
“No…” Jim said, looking puzzled. “What does that have to do with anything?”  
  
Leonard huffed. “Well, there’s no horror movies about peach orchards.”  
  
“And there is about cornfields?”  
  
“Yeah, evil cornfields. I’ll show you later.”  
  
Jim gave him a look. “That is the weirdest thing you’ve ever said. Come with me.” He headed back towards the house and climbed the stairs to the back door, and gestured for Leonard to do the same. On the stoop, Jim pointed to a cluster of trees in the distance that looked like they were on the edge of the fields.  
  
“See those trees? There’s a creek that runs right through there that marks the end of our property. That’s where we’re going. We won’t get lost, Bones, promise.”  
  
Reassured, Leonard followed Jim through the corn rows, listening as Jim explained the history of this land, how it had come to be in his family and how his mother had arrangements with a few different companies for harvesting the crops and keeping up the fields, and Leonard couldn’t help but be impressed. She’d made some good business deals that ensured that her family would always be taken care of, and was able to stay home and be an involved mom, until Jim was old enough for her to start accepting assignments in Starfleet again.  
  
 _So what had happened?_  Leonard wondered. Obviously, there was a rift in this family. Obviously  _something_  had left an impression on Jim, had caused him to pull away and get stuck in a rebellious, pointless cycle until Pike came along and pulled him out of it. Leonard wanted to know, and he wanted to ask, but he knew Jim well enough to realize just letting him talk would be more effective. Being too direct just resulted in him pulling away.  
  
“Here we are,” Jim said, pushing the last of the corn stalks out of the way as he stepped into the clearing. Leonard followed, and looked around…it was really pretty and very peaceful. The creek Jim had mentioned provided a soothing soundtrack, and the trees’ leafy, arching arms on both sides offered shade and perfect climbing opportunities as well as a couple of swings on thick ropes. One tree had a rudimentary treehouse nestled among its branches.  
  
Leonard smiled as he looked around, picturing a young Jim playing here, splashing in the creek, climbing the trees and swinging.  
  
“This is real nice, Jim,” he said. “A perfect place to get away.”  
  
“Yeah…we had a lot of fun here,” Jim said softly. Leonard turned to him, hearing that wistful, reminiscing tone, and smiled.  
  
“Thanks for showing me.”  
  
Jim smiled, eyes as blue as the sky above them. “I’ve never brought anyone else here before, Bones. Just you.”  
  
“What makes me so special?” he asked, holding Jim’s gaze. Jim swallowed, tongue darting out to lick his lips, as he always did when he was nervous, and for the first time in…well, ever, Jim seemed tongue-tied.  
  
Leonard chuckled and wrapped an arm around Jim’s shoulders, giving him a squeeze.  
  
“Come on,” he said, sitting down on the grass-covered bank in the shade of the trees. “Let’s eat.”  
  
The awkward moment smoothed over, Jim sat as well and wasted no time in removing his shoes and socks. Seeing that, Leonard followed suit, and then set to pulling out bottles of water and their snacks. After a while, Leonard lay back, crossing his arms under his head, and let out a satisfied sigh and closed his eyes, enjoying the warm sun and the cooler air. He felt movement beside him, and then Jim settled himself so that he could rest his head and shoulders against Leonard’s side. Opening an eye, he watched as Jim let his own eyes close and a small smile pulled at his lips, content to be exactly where he was.  
  
Jim stirred and pushed himself up after a little while, eyes sweeping the sky to try to estimate what time it was. He guessed early evening. They should pack up and get going. He turned to look at Bones, who was still and quiet, his eyes closed, his face relaxed. Jim smiled, and before he knew what he was doing, his hand was hovering over Bones’ head, and then gently stroking the dark hair.  
  
Roused by the soft touch, Bones inhaled deeply and shifted, his eyes opening slightly, wary of the bright sun before he realized it was actually closer to twilight.  
  
“Hey,” Jim said quietly. “We should get going if you don’t want to be out here at night. Though I still don’t get the evil cornfields thing.”  
  
Leonard rolled his eyes and sat up, stretching. “We’ll have to watch it sometime. Not here, though. I’d never sleep.”  
  
It was quick work to pack and clean up after themselves, and then Leonard was following Jim back through the fields to the house. Their transport was still the only one in front of the house, and Leonard didn’t miss it when Jim’s quietly expectant expression fell. He found he had to tamp down his annoyance at Winona Kirk. Her  _son_ was home, for the first time in months. He couldn’t imagine a mother not moving Heaven and Earth to be there for him.  
  
But he decided to hold his tongue. For now.  
  
A quick check of the comm system confirmed that she hadn’t left a message while they were out, so Jim suggested they go into the small town, grab some dinner at the diner, and then stop at the store to stock up on some staples. With the promise of the best catfish this side of the Mason-Dixon line, Leonard easily agreed to that plan.  
  
The drive into town was short, and Jim pointed out various places of interest from his childhood, or slightly later in life.  
  
“That’s where I had my first job,” he said, pointing out technology repair shop. “I started hanging out there when I was thirteen. At first, I think I broke more things than I could count because I wanted to take everything apart. I wanted to see all the insides and figure out how everything worked.”  
  
“Who in their right mind would hire a thirteen-year-old?” Leonard asked, having absolutely no trouble picturing a young Jim carefully pulling apart something to see what made it tick.  
  
Jim smiled. “Well, Tom didn’t hire me until I was sixteen. But he let me hang around, gave me things to work on – his own side projects and other stuff like that. I spent a lot of time there.”  
  
Leonard turned to look at him as they pulled into the diner’s lot. “Maybe we should stop by and say hello. I’d like to meet the man who obviously was so important to you.”  
  
Jim’s expression turned a little sad. “Wish I could Bones. Unfortunately, he passed away a few years ago.”  
  
“Oh, I’m sorry to hear that,” Leonard replied sincerely. “Were you still working there when he passed?”  
  
Jim parked and they exited the vehicle. “I worked there until he passed. Then I moved on. C’mon Bones…I believe I promised you an awesome catfish dinner.”  
  
The diner was busy, but not overly so, and they were shown to a table right away. Moments later, their friendly server came over and they each placed an order for the catfish dinner.  
  
Once alone, Leonard considered Jim closely as he idly stirred his iced tea. Recognizing the intensity in those hazel eyes, Jim cocked an eyebrow and held his gaze even as a flush worked its way up his neck and over his face. Eventually, Jim cleared his throat nervously and looked down, turning his glass of water in on the table in front of him. Leonard smiled softly, and realized he was completely taken with the younger man.  
  
“Bones…” Jim said hesitantly. He licked his lips and glanced back up at him. “What…what are we doing? I mean…what is…this?” he asked, gesturing between them, and Leonard knew exactly what Jim was asking.  
  
Leonard gave a one-shouldered shrug. “Friends? More-than-friends? Brotherly love?” he suggested, naming all the things he hoped it wasn’t. To his relief, Jim shook his head.  
  
“No…it doesn’t feel like any of that. It feels…” he hesitated, struggling to find the right word. “Bigger,” Jim said finally.  
  
“Is that a bad thing?” Leonard asked.  
  
“No! No, not at all,” he answered quickly. “I just…I’m not sure how to do this without screwing it up. I…I’m so afraid of screwing it up. And I…I’m not…” he stopped, shaking his head.  
  
Leonard’s heart went out to Jim, certain that he was about to question his worth, or whether he deserved to have a relationship like what this could be at all. He’d seen glimpses of this side of him before, usually hidden behind a practiced carefree and careless attitude. It was that attitude that got Jim in fights, that had led him from bed to bed, that had earned him the dubious honor that he joked about now…genius repeat offender. But Leonard wasn’t an idiot, even when he was drunk. In the brief time it took to get from Riverside to California, he’d recognized there was a lot more to Jim that what he wanted everyone to see. And now, a year and a half later, he was getting to see more and more of the person Jim really is, insecurities and all.  
  
“We’re already doing it, Jim.  _You’re_  already doing it. We can just…let things happen, as long as it’s something you want,” Leonard said. He pressed his lips together, and after a moment reached across the table and closed his hand on Jim’s forearm. “Is it something you want?” he asked. “Because I want our friendship first, and I _don’t_ want to do anything to lose that.”  
  
Jim took a breath, the feel of Leonard’s hand on him the center of his attention. “Yeah,” he said, swallowing as his heart beat faster, the significance of what he was admitting not lost on him. There was a lot to lose here…Bones was very important to him. But letting this…thing…happen on its own, letting it build on the friendship they already had, that didn’t sound as intimidating as he thought it would.  
  
Bones smiled, a real full smile that showed his dimples, and Jim couldn’t help but smile back. He pulled back, letting Jim’s arm go, just as their plates arrived.  
  
“This looks good, Jim,” Leonard said, inspecting the highly-touted dinner. “Let’s see if it lives up to your billing.”  
  
Happy that they’d finally talked a bit, but just as happy that Bones seemed content to let it drop for now, they fell back into the comfortable banter and conversation that felt more natural, and so much easier, to Jim. They finished their dinner, which actually was just as good as Jim had promised, while making plans for the next couple of days that they’d be there.  
  
Leonard took a sip of his tea. “What about your mom?” he asked.  
  
Jim wiped his mouth on his napkin and pushed his nearly-empty plate away from himself a little. “God, I’m stuffed. I hope she makes it.”  
  
“No guarantee?” Leonard asked.  
  
Jim gave him a crooked smile, shrugging slightly. “There never was, Bones.”  
  
They walked the short distance from the diner to the market. It was already dark, and it was quite a bit colder with the sun down. Despite the chill, Leonard felt warmed from the inside out, by the good meal, and even moreso by Jim’s earlier admission.  
  
“So…I can’t believe I never asked, but what were you doing in Riverside?” Jim asked as they walked.  
  
“I was only here for one night. I’d taken a transport from Georgia to get here and meet up with Pike for the rest of the trip. I stayed in…what was it called? Glenwood. That was it. Glenwood Inn.”  
  
“They’ve been around forever,” Jim said.  
  
“Yeah, it was a nice place. Quaint.”  
  
“You remember any of it?” Jim asked, tone gently teasing.  
  
Leonard rolled his eyes, knowing that Jim was referring to his…compromised state that first morning. “A little.”  
  
Jim laughed softly, and Leonard bumped his shoulder.  
  
They entered the market, and decided on a divide and conquer route. That was fine with Leonard…he went right to the produce section, and Jim made a beeline for the snacks. A few minutes later, satisfied with a couple of days’ worth of fresh vegetables in his basket and on his way to choose some protein to go with it, a raised, angry male voice caught his attention.  
  
Having not found Jim yet, he quickened his pace, looking down each aisle until he came upon a scene that stopped him in his tracks. Jim and another man were standing practically toe to toe, and though Jim’s arms were down, Leonard could see the tension in his frame.  
  
“…your worthless ass around here again,” the other man was saying. “Wassa matter? Couldn’t cut it? Bah, m’not surprised. Nothin’ but a fuckin’ loser…just like your bitch of a mother.”  
  
Jim looked up sharply at that, his eyes flashing angrily. Leonard hurried to them, recognizing that look and wanting to stop this before it got any further.  
  
“Oh, what? You don’t like that? Tough shit, you…” he poked a finger into Jim’s chest and Leonard ran the rest of the way to them.  
  
“Hey!” he shouted furiously. “What the fuck is going on here. Get your hands off him!”  
  
As the man started to turn, Leonard grasped his shoulder and spun him away from Jim.  
  
“Who the fuck are you?” the man asked, and Leonard could smell the booze on his breath. He didn’t answer, eyes going from the alcohol the man was holding that he was obviously here to buy, to Jim, who was strangely quiet and completely closed down.  
  
“You need to walk away. Now,” Leonard said, his voice as hard and cold as Jim had ever heard him.  
  
The man looked between Leonard and Jim and then leered disgustingly. “You giving your ass to him Jimmy? He know you’ve given it to everyone in Riverside first?”  
  
Leonard didn’t really know what happened next. Before he even had another thought, he’d shoved the man away from them. Already balance-impaired, he staggered backward, into the shelves on the side knocking merchandise down, before losing his balance altogether and ending up on the ground.  
  
Completely astonished, Jim looked with wide eyes from the drunk sprawled at their feet to Bones, who was angrier than Jim had ever seen.  
  
“Bones…holy--”  
  
“C’mon, Jim.”  
  
Too stunned to protest, and wanting to get out of there as quickly as possible anyway, Jim didn’t even look at his accoster again as he left the aisle.  
  
“Did you get everything you wanted?” Leonard asked Jim, striving for calm on the outside even as he seethed with anger on Jim’s behalf. He led Jim to the deli section and chose a couple of things to add to his basket.  
  
“Bones…we should go,” Jim said, nervously. “He’s probably gonna call the police…”  
  
“Let ‘em, Jim. He assaulted  _you_. No reason for us to run.”  
  
He turned to look at Jim, eyes serious. “I don’t know what that was all about, Jim, but no one deserves to be spoken to like that. I get the feeling it wasn’t the first time…”  
  
Jim flushed and looked away.  
  
“…but no one is ever going to speak to you like that again if I have anything to say about it.”  
  
They finished their shopping, and didn’t see the drunk again. Leonard seemed wholly unconcerned, but Jim couldn’t help but look around, certain they weren’t going to get out of there without another confrontation. Luck seemed to be on their side, though.  
  
Before they left, Leonard asked to speak to the manager. “You have a problem here. There’s a drunk in your store, buying more alcohol, who tried to pick a fight. I haven’t seen him again, but you need to take care of it.”  
  
“I’m sorry, sir…” the manager started.  
  
“Doctor,” Leonard interrupted. “I’m a Starfleet doctor, and – “  
  
“His name is Frank Henke,” Jim added, and the manager’s eyes gave away his annoyance.  
  
“Oh, him…I’m sorry. He’s a frequent…problem. Should I call the police? Did you want to press charges?”  
  
Leonard didn’t answer, instead looking at Jim for his decision.  
  
“No…but the last we saw he’d tripped over his own feet in aisle six,” Jim said.  
  
“Oh, for…I apologize again. Excuse me…I’m gonna go deal with that.”  
  
“You do that,” Leonard said, still angry.  
  
Jim’s heart was thudding in his chest as he headed out of the store, humiliated by what Bones had seen and heard back there with Frank. Of all the people to run in to, of all the crap to have laid out at the feet of someone whose opinion of him actually mattered…and after their dinner and everything they talked about, of all the possible timing of this.  
  
It was quiet as Jim navigated back to the Kirk house, but he didn’t expect that to continue. Bones was looking out the window, and Jim could practically hear him thinking. Might as well get it over with.  
  
“So, uh…that was Frank,” he said hesitantly. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Bones turn to look at him. “And he and my mom were together…married…when I was a kid.”  
  
Leonard took that in, waiting for more. When nothing else seemed to be forthcoming, he asked, “Has he always been such a charmer?”  
  
Jim’s eyes tightened, and he sighed. “Yeah, pretty much.”  
  
Jim went quiet after that, and Leonard added that information to what he already knew, what he’d observed, and what he’d suspected, and the pieces were falling into place.  
  
Moments later, Jim pulled in to park in front of the house, which was still quiet and dark, and they both collected the bags containing their purchases. In the house, Jim turned on what seemed like every light on the bottom floor and they spent a few minutes putting away their groceries.  
  
When they were done, Leonard stood with his arms crossed tightly over himself, eyeing Jim. He still looked closed off and tense, and Leonard sighed softly to himself.  
  
Crossing the kitchen to him, Leonard did what he’d wanted to do since they left the store. He opened his arms to Jim, and enveloped him in a hug. At first Jim was stiff in his arms, but then he responded to the comfort being offered, and let his arms go around Bones in return.  
  
“I’m sorry you had to go through that, Jim. I’m sorry for whatever happened to you here. But you’re not that child anymore and Frank can never hurt you again.”  
  
Against his shoulder, Jim sniffed, and took a deep breath of his own, but didn’t say anything yet. Leonard gave him another squeeze, then let go, gently separating. Jim held his eyes for a moment, then looked away, a faint flush on his face.  
  
Instead of commenting on anything, Leonard simply asked, “Want some tea?”  
  
Jim smiled a little, grateful that Leonard was obviously going to give him some space. “Yeah, that’d be good,” he replied.  
  
Leonard made tea the way each of them liked it…just a teaspoon of sugar for him, dosed liberally with milk, cinnamon and sugar for Jim…and they settled in the family room. Jim activated the fireplace and they kicked off their shoes to be more comfortable. Leonard settled on the couch and Jim hesitated before choosing his place to sit. After a few moments, he chose the couch as well, sitting with his back to an armrest, cross-legged. Jim cradled the mug of hot, sweet tea in his hands, eyes on the milky liquid.  
  
He knew Bones must have questions. Of course he did. And Jim…he wanted to tell him. But it was hard. He was ashamed. He’d just been a kid, and it was hard not to take the abusive words he’d lived with to heart. And…he was ashamed he couldn’t protect his mother. And there was a lot of anger, too...and that was the worst part. He shouldn’t have ever been angry at his mom. But he still was.  
  
Leonard observed Jim quietly, seeing him clearly for maybe the first time.  
  
“How long was your mom married to Frank?” he asked, wanting to get Jim talking.  
  
Jim cleared his throat and took a sip of his tea, then glanced up at Leonard. “Six years. From when I was eight until I was sixteen.” He paused, and Leonard waited patiently, fairly certain that Jim would be able to talk about it on his own, and wanting to give him that chance.  
  
After a moment, Jim sighed. “At first, everything was ok. Then…it just started. He abused her for four years. Sam, my brother, and I begged her to leave him, but she just…couldn’t. After a while, Sam left.” Jim snorted, bitterness in every word. “He said if she wasn’t willing to do something to help herself, he wasn’t going to stay around to watch.”  
  
Leonard nodded sympathetically. “But you stayed.”  
  
“Yeah, Bones. I stayed. For all the good it did for the next two years.”  
  
“You were a kid, Jim. There was nothing you could’ve done. Your mom had to make the decision to save herself,” Leonard said gently. But it was an old, oft-repeated story, and not one that the children of abuse victims found easy to understand, even as adults. “Was Frank abusive to you?”  
  
Jim shrugged. “Not really. He said a lot things, but that’s it.”  
  
 _That’s it,_  Leonard thought.  _As if that’s no big deal._  Of course the hurtful words Jim had lived with mattered. They mattered to the child and teenager Jim had been, and Leonard saw the effect they could still have on him at the store.  
  
“But something made your mom decide to divorce him,” Leonard said.  
  
Jim nodded, “Yeah,” he said quietly. “I just…I couldn’t take it anymore Bones. I couldn’t stand seeing him hurt her. I…I tried to stop him. And he, uh, he hit me. Only that once. But finally, I had something to show the police on  _myself_. So I called them. And…after that, I told mom that she had to divorce him, or I would leave too.”  
  
“And so she did.”  
  
Jim nodded. “She did.”  
  
“You saved your mother,” Leonard said. “And you saved yourself. And you were only a kid.” He shook his head, his eyes on Jim who still had his gaze focused on his tea in his lap. “You’re amazing,” he said softly.  
  
Jim shrugged a shoulder and glanced up at him. “Didn’t feel amazing today,” he replied. “I felt like that stupid sixteen year old again.”  
  
“You mean the sixteen year old who had the presence of mind and personal strength to call the police and give his mother the push she needed to do something to change her life? That sixteen year old?”  
  
Jim hesitated, trying to see himself from the outside in, the way Bones was seeing him. And he was surprised at how different that felt.  
  
The conversation drifted away from what had happened tonight, and what had led to it, and Jim was surprised about that too. He’d felt so defined by that for so long, it was a real eye-opener to have someone who’d seen, and now knew, about that part of his life and move right past it. And it made him feel…secure…in who he was _today_.  
  
After a little while, Leonard felt the day catching up with him, and it was obvious Jim did too. They’d shifted their positions as they’d talked, and ended up with Jim leaning against Leonard’s side, liking the closeness as it satisfied a need he’d been reluctant to admit to himself. After a few minutes, Leonard slipped an arm around Jim’s shoulders. Jim sighed contently and let his head rest on him too.  
  
The fire was just about out, the crackling embers slowly dying, and Bones felt lulled by the warmth in the room and the feel of the solid, strong body beside him, and his eyes were slowly slipping closed.  
  
Jim sat up carefully, seeing how tired Bones was, and feeling it himself.  
  
“Bones,” Jim said quietly. Leonard roused, and gave Jim a sleepy smile. “Let’s go to bed. Maybe Mom will get here sometime tonight.”  
  
“Okay,” Leonard agreed, happy that Jim had woken him. Sleeping sitting up on a couch all night would undoubtedly mean aches and pains the next day. Never mind the fact that he’d prefer  _not_  to have that be the first impression on Winona Kirk.  
  
Jim took a moment to turn off all the lights, make sure the door was locked, and leave a note for his mother, should she happen to come in during the night. Leonard brought their mugs to the kitchen and washed them out and then made sure that the fire was safely out. Their simple work completed, they headed up the stairs to Jim’s room.  
  
They took turns in the bathroom, each wanting a shower after a day of travel and being outside. Jim insisted Leonard go first, so he was already in boxers and a t-shirt when Jim came back to the room wearing only a towel. They’d changed in each other’s presence many times before, and neither were shy with their body – though Leonard was perhaps more modest. But tonight, after everything they’d discussed and the acknowledgement that they might be moving towards something more, Jim didn’t feel  _uncomfortable_ , exactly…but maybe a little more self-conscious than usual.  
  
He changed quickly, and got his bed ready, pulling down the blankets. Leonard was already laying down in the other bed, just watching Jim quietly. Before Jim snapped off the light he met Leonard’s eyes and licked his lips.  
  
“Thank you, Bones, for everything. For coming with me, for standing up for me, for caring about me. And, for…well, really seeing me.”  
  
Leonard longed to hold him and show him how much he cared about him, but it wasn’t time, and it wasn’t something that could be rushed, so he had to be content with a sincere smile.  
  
“Thank you for trusting me with all of who you are.”  
  
Jim looked away, and nodded, unsure what to say to that. That was fine, as far as Leonard was concerned. Nothing else needed to be said. Jim turned off the light and lay down. The room was cool and dark, the house was quiet, and Leonard felt warm and comfortable under the blankets. He closed his eyes and fell asleep to the quiet sounds of Jim’s breathing.  
  
Sometime later, though, that peacefulness was interrupted by something. Leonard’s eyes opened in the dark room, straining to hear whatever it was that had woken him…at first thinking maybe it was the arrival of Winona Kirk. But then…  
  
“Mmph, stop,” Jim mumbled. He turned over in the bed, knocking his pillow to the floor and wrapping the blanket around his legs. “No…no…” He audibly panted, breathing hard, and Leonard realized he was in the grip of a nightmare.  
  
Without even thinking about it, he pushed back his blankets and slipped out of bed, crossing the room quickly to settle on the side of Jim’s bed. He picked the pillow up from the floor, and gently grasped Jim’s shoulder.  
  
“Jim, wake up. Wake up, you’re dreaming,” Leonard said, keeping his voice low and soothing. Jim whined, his brow furrowing as he twisted his body against the grip of the blankets. Leonard set the pillow down to the side, and smoothed Jim’s hair back from his forehead. “C’mon Darlin’,” he said, the endearment just slipping out. “You’re okay. Wake up.”  
  
Holding him by his shoulders, Leonard gave Jim a little shake, and with a gasp his eyes opened. He stared up at Leonard, and he murmured soothingly until the lingering dream and its confusion and fear cleared from his eyes.  
  
“Bones,” he murmured. “Sorry.”  
  
“It’s nothing,” Leonard said, quick to reassure him. “Just wanted to make sure you were okay.”  
  
He started to get up, but Jim reached out and grasped his wrist. Leonard sat back down, a question in his eyes. Jim glanced away, then looked back at him, and took a breath.  
  
“Stay?”  
  
Leonard smiled slightly, and nodded. “Move over, then.”  
  
Jim slid to the side, moving to the second pillow on the bed and turned on his side, so that he was facing away from him. Leonard lay down beside Jim, tucking the pillow under his head. He turned on his side as well, facing the back of Jim’s head. After a moment, with the memory of how comfortable it was with his arm around Jim’s shoulders as they sat in front of the fire, he put his right arm around Jim, pulling him back a little so that they were snug against each other.  
  
He waited, barely breathing, to see if Jim would reject this. To his relief, though, all Jim did was grasp the hand that had been pressed to his chest, and give him a squeeze.  
  
Laying together like that, freely giving and taking comfort without worry or pretenses, they both fell back to sleep.  
  
Hours later, the bright sun of a clear Iowan morning managed to sneak between the drapes, teasing Leonard and Jim to wakefulness. More effective than the light, though, was the smell of bacon. Bacon, Leonard knew, was the one and sure way to get Jim out of bed. He smiled when Jim stirred in his arms, blinking sleepily and raising his head from the pillow.  
  
“Someone’s cooking,” Leonard said quietly, his voice rough with sleep.  
  
“Mom,” Jim said. Leonard withdrew his arm from around Jim, and he sat up, scrubbing a hand over his hair, doing nothing to tame the bed-head he was currently sporting. “C’mon Bones. Mom’s here.”  
  
He climbed out of the bed, and Leonard smiled as he heard Jim hurry down the hallway and then down the stairs. He shoved back the blankets and sat up, taking a moment to stretch and run a comb through his hair, conscious of the fact that he was meeting a parent for the first time. He wanted to make as good impression as he could in his pajamas.  
  
He headed down the stairs, and into the kitchen. The sight that greeted him stopped him in the doorway.  
  
Jim, a whole head taller than his mother, had her wrapped in his arms, resting his cheek on the top of her head. She was holding him just as tightly, her arms around his back the only part of her Leonard could see. He looked away, feeling like he was intruding on an intensely private reunion.  
  
“Bones,” Jim said. Leonard looked back up, seeing that Jim had his hand out to him. Hesitantly, Leonard came forward, and Jim wrapped his arm around his shoulders, bringing him in. “Mom, this is Bones… Leonard McCoy. Bones, this is my mom.”  
  
“Nice to meet you Ma’am,” Leonard said.  
  
She took his offered hand, a happy smile on her face that reached her eyes. “Call me Winnie,” she said. She looked between he and her son, and took in the way Jim kept him close. “It’s so nice to meet you.”  
  
“Good to meet you, too, Winnie. You have…a pretty amazing son,” he replied.  
  
She nodded. “Don’t I know it.” She glanced back at the oven where she had a couple of things working. “Hungry?”  
  
“Starved!” Jim replied, and Leonard chuckled.  
  
They set up for breakfast, and Leonard was struck by how happy Jim seemed and by how he looked at him today. As if he were seeing the possibility of what they could have clearly for the first time. As if, after last night, he was more able to leave the shadow of the past behind, and see himself for the type of person he was now. As if he recognized that he deserved it, despite the damaging words that colored so much of his childhood.  
  
As if he were free.


	2. Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warning for this part: Mentions past assault.
> 
> A few weeks after returning from their trip to Iowa, Jim is acting like nothing ever happened and Leonard, though patient, is confused.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Mentions past assault.
> 
> This part is for heavenlyxbodies. Happy Birthday! So sorry for the delay, but your request inspired more than I’d realized. I hope you like it!

Things were different between them when they got back to San Francisco. Not that Jim really expected things to stay the same…not after everything they’d discussed and did. He’d let Bones in and admitted things he hadn’t shared with anyone. Bones had seen some of his past first hand when Frank had confronted him in the store. And he’d invited Bones into his bed. Just for sleeping and comfort, but still. For his part, Bones had been surprisingly direct about his feelings, and Jim had responded to that. He’d gotten as close as he ever had to admitting what he’d been trying so hard to keep to himself, buried and safe. A secret that left him feeling so…exposed…that he didn’t even want to examine it too closely.  
  
But he couldn’t deny it to himself…he felt something for Bones. Something beyond friendship. Beyond the bond of two people not like all the others, as older cadets. Somehow, he’d become more important to him than anyone else who’d come into his life.  
  
So…yeah. Things were different. There was no way they couldn’t be. And Jim felt like he was alternately rushing headlong into something he wanted so much it actually hurt, and digging his heels in and pulling away from that same thing that scared the crap out of him. And Bones…he remained very patient.  
  
Sitting at opposite ends of his small couch, Leonard looked up and rolled his neck, feeling stiff after sitting so still for so long. He yawned and rubbed his eyes.  
  
“Jim,” Leonard said. When he didn’t receive an answer, he tapped his foot against Jim’s to get his attention.  
  
“Hm? Sorry…what?” he asked, looking up.  
  
“Are you actually even reading that?” Leonard asked curiously. “You were a million miles away.”  
  
“Oh…uh…” Jim looked down at the PADD he was holding. He hadn’t been reading at all. Leonard chuckled and Jim felt himself flushing.  
  
“So…what were you thinking about then?” he asked.  
  
Jim cursed his pale complexion as the flush deepened. “Nothing in particular,” he said. And that was a huge lie.  
  
Leonard checked a sigh and watched Jim for a moment, wondering what was going through that brilliant mind of his. That he wasn’t willing to share his thoughts was very telling. Usually whatever popped into Jim’s head came right out of his mouth, but he was being very circumspect. There were only a few things that made Jim Kirk reticent – talking about his family, talking about his past, and talking about  _them_. He’d turned out to be surprisingly, endearingly, shy about them.  
  
Leonard had thought that after everything that happened while they were in Riverside, they were on the same page now about where things were going – and the fact that they were “going” at all. But since they’d been back, it was almost as if Jim didn’t want to let anything else change.  
  
He was still choosing to spend pretty much any time they weren’t in class with Leonard, eschewing going out if Leonard didn’t feel like it. And when they did go out, Jim stayed close and always left with him. But they hadn’t talked about anything since that short conversation in the diner. Leonard had meant it when he said they could just let their relationship slowly develop, but there was a difference between that and actively putting them in stasis, and that’s what it felt like Jim was doing. Because while Jim stayed close, there was definitely distance between them, too – and he made it clear with his body language that he had a line around him he didn’t really want Leonard to cross.  
  
And if that’s what Jim wanted…just to be friends…Leonard could live with that. But if it was because Jim was letting his own doubts and demons getting the better of him, Leonard would work even harder to show Jim that he was worthy and deserving of every happiness in life, including this one.  
  
But he had to know. It was too important to not know.  
  
Leonard glanced down at the PADD he’d been reading. They both had exams coming up that they were studying for tonight…alternately reading and reviewing material and trading their materials to quiz each other…but it was obvious Jim’s mind wasn’t on what he was studying, and know that Leonard’s let his concentration break, neither was his.  
  
Focusing on Jim, watching as the flush slowly faded from his face, Leonard put his PADD aside and wondered how to broach the subject. He didn’t want to seem pushy, and he didn’t want Jim to pull away even further than he already has.  
  
“Jim…can we talk?”  
  
Taking a breath, Jim licked his lips nervously before looking up to meet Bones’ eyes. The question made him feel automatically defensive, but he knew that was stupid. It was just…it wasn’t that he didn’t see something like this coming – he’d have to be blind not to. But he didn’t know what to say. He felt out of his depth and nervous and uncomfortable. So he did what he usually did. He tried to ignore it all.  
  
“Sure, Bones. What’s up?” Jim asked, throwing him a quick grin.  
  
Leonard heard his carefully casual tone, and knew it wasn’t how he was really feeling. And that hurt a little. He wished Jim felt more at ease, and more comfortable being honest about what he felt. Leaning forward a little, Leonard reached out and gently grasped Jim’s ankle over his jeans, using that touch as a point of connection, and an indication of what he wanted to talk about. Jim went very still, eyes on where Leonard held him. He didn’t pull away, but he didn’t look up at Leonard either.  
  
Letting his thumb rub over Jim, he asked, “Remember, at the diner, we said that we’d just let things happen?” Leonard paused, glancing up at Jim who nodded silently. “I..um… Do you still want that?”  
  
Jim bit his lip and glanced away, then back at him. “I thought that’s what we were doing,” he said.  
  
Now Leonard did sigh. “Really, Jim? Cause that’s not the impression you’ve given me over the last few weeks.”  
  
“We’re always together, Bones,” Jim said. “We go out together, we eat and study…”  
  
“Together,” Leonard finished. “Yes, I know. But you’re a big boy Jim. You know there’s more to a relationship than that.”  
  
Jim pressed his lips together, starting to feeling tense and on edge, and he pulled away from Leonard’s hold on his ankle, shifting his legs from resting alongside Bones’ to plant his feet on the floor. “And?” Jim asked coolly. “Three weeks and I’m not putting out fast enough for you?”  
  
Leonard gave him a look. “C’mon Jim. You know that’s not what I’m saying. I guess…I just want to make sure that it’s…it’s something you still want. A relationship. With me.”  
  
Jim sat tensely, staring at the floor. He did know that wasn’t what Bones was saying. But  _he_  didn’t know what to say. He hardly knew how he felt. He cared for Bones in an unfamiliar and unsettling way, and he didn’t know how to handle that.  
  
“Jim, it’s okay if you don’t,” Leonard said quietly, doing his best to keep his voice neutral. “I meant what I said before. I want our friendship first and foremost.”  
  
Jim let out a gust of air and rubbed a hand over his face. He hated this. He hated making Bones feel like this.  _Why does this have to be so fucking hard?_  
  
“That’s not it, Bones…it’s not that I don’t want a relationship with you. I – I just…” Jim shook his head, hands balling into fists in frustration. Unable to contain the nervous energy and giving in to the need for distance, he stood and crossed his arms over himself, moving to the small window.  
  
“Tell me anything, Jim. You can talk to me,” Leonard said.  
  
And he tried. He tried to make the words come,  _I’m terrified of this. I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t have any good experience with this. I’m not what Frank said about me._  But he couldn’t. His face heated uncomfortably, and he tensed when he heard Bones get up from the couch.  
  
Leonard joined Jim at the window, and hesitantly, placed his hands on Jim’s shoulders, then slid them down to his upper arms, holding him gently. He could feel how tense Jim was, and they just stood there, quietly breathing. He felt Jim start to relax, his clenched muscles releasing, and then he exerted barely-there pressure on his arms – a suggestion, rather than a demand – urging Jim to turn.  
  
And he did. Reacting to everything he so desperately wanted – even as it terrified him – Jim turned, head down, until he could rest his forehead on Bones’ strong shoulder and Bones just held him. Obviously Jim was struggling. But it was also obvious that he wasn’t actually pushing him away. So he stayed quiet, didn’t demand explanations or answers, and was simply there, reminding Jim with his presence that he was important to him, that he was cared for. He didn’t know why Jim was tied up in knots over the possibility of what they could be to each other, but Leonard hoped he would talk to him.  
  
“I’m sorry,” Jim murmured. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me…why I’m so…” Jim trailed off, shaking his head.  
  
Leonard rubbed his hands up and down Jim’s back, thinking. Taking a chance, he put to words what he was thinking.  
  
“You afraid of me Jimmy?”  
  
Jim tensed in his arms, but he didn’t pull away. Bones’ question wasn’t asked in jest or teasingly. And it wasn’t an accusation either. Just an honest question that deserved an honest answer – and it was an answer he could give.  
  
“I’m not afraid of you, Bones. You’re the best friend I’ve ever had – the only person I’ve c-cared about like this. I’m not afraid of you.”  
  
“You’re afraid of us,” Leonard said.  
  
Jim clenched his jaw, and pulled back, keeping his eyes averted. That was partially true…some of what was wrong.  
  
Leonard let him go and took a step back. He went to the little kitchenette area and pulled out a couple of glasses and his whiskey. He poured them each a bit and gestured to the couch. He sat, and Jim joined him. Leonard handed him his glass and sat back. He didn’t say anything – he could tell Jim was trying to put his thoughts into words, and he let him have his time.  
  
As they sat quietly, Jim felt some of his embarrassment lessening. This wasn’t easy, but he didn’t doubt Bones’ invitation to “tell him anything”. And he knew he could. Bones had already proven that. He took a deep sip, then stared into his glass, Jim tried to make sense of everything he was feeling.  
  
Jim glanced up at Bones, meeting those hazel eyes and seeing compassion there. Compassion and… love? Maybe? Could Bones really love him?  
  
“I do want us. I want us to be…more. But…I just don’t know…” He paused, taking a breath. “I don’t trust myself,” he said finally. “I don’t trust myself to not screw it up with you. No one ever looked at me like you do…like you really see me. And it’s…well, it’s…I don’t know why you…” Cutting himself off, he shook his head, eyes focused on the glass.  
  
“You don’t know why I what? Care about you? Want a relationship with you?” He lightened his tone, knocking a knee against Jim’s. “Put up with you?”  
  
Jim smiled slightly, nodding. “Yeah. All of that.”  
  
Pressing his lips together, Leonard put down his glass, moved close to Jim and took his glass, placing it aside. Jim let him, but kept his eyes down, even as Leonard took his hands.  
  
“Can you look at me?”  
  
It took a second, but Jim did.  
  
“Because you’re one of the most caring people I’ve met. Because you’re loyal and loving. Because you’re courageous and smart and resilient and…worth it. You’re worth it, Jim, and you deserve it.”  
  
Jim flushed, uncomfortable with hearing things like that about himself. He didn’t really believe it.  
  
“You’re worth it to me, Jim,” Bones said again quietly, sincerely.  
  
Feeling his palms start to sweat, Jim took a breath. He had to be honest. Bones deserved it.  
  
“I’m not what Frank said about me,” Jim said quietly. “In the store…about, um, giving myself to everyone.”  
  
Leonard pressed his lips together. He remembered the cruel, crude hurtful words that bastard Frank had flung out that day. “I wouldn’t care if it was, Jim. Everyone has a past.”  
  
Jim smiled slightly. He knew Bones meant that sincerely and that made the next part easier. A little.  
  
“I – uh…someone tried to f-force me once,” Jim said, eyes down as his face heated. He felt Bones’ hands tighten on his, and he glanced up quickly. “It didn’t happen, and the asshole who tried it ended up with a broken nose and a dislocated jaw. But…uh…I, I don’t…”  
  
And Leonard got it. It wasn’t just that Jim was afraid of screwing up their relationship by letting them become more…he was afraid of some of the things that would go along with it. Everything about the way Jim acted with him made sense now. The way he obviously wanted a connection, but still kept Leonard at an arm’s length. That line he’d drawn between them that kept Leonard firmly on one side, even as he occasionally reached across it. It explained his nervousness and his reticence with him when he acted like such a flirt and ladies’ man with women. And Leonard felt like an ass for not realizing it sooner.  
  
“And, I – I want a relationship with you,” Jim continued. “I just d-don’t know if I can,” he said lowly, head bowed under the weight of that admission.  
  
Leonard’s grip stayed firm, and Jim didn’t pull away despite his obvious discomfiture. “Jim, I’m so sorry that happened to you,” Bones said quietly. “And I’m sorry if you thought I was pushing you for something. That’s not what I intended.”  
  
“Bones…you don’t have to apologize for anything. I should’ve been up front with you a long time ago. And I – I understand if you don’t want—“  
  
“Jim,” Leonard said, cutting off that line of thought. “I want you in my life. I want you however you want to be there. And if you want us to have a relationship, we’ll work on it together, however you want. You don’t have to be alone.”  
  
Jim looked up at Bones, tears in his eyes that he fought to control. He’d never really thought he could ever really have anything more with Bones, even if he wanted it so much. But now…he allowed himself to entertain the possibility.  
  
And it took his breath away.  
  
Heart pounding in his chest, Jim swallowed hard as he held Bones’ eyes, the depth of emotion he was feeling surprised him. He hadn’t realized how deeply he’d buried the desire for more beneath his past.  
  
Taking a breath to calm his racing heart, Jim stopped thinking and just let himself feel, and leaned forward to press a kiss to Bones’ soft lips. Closing his eyes, Leonard let Jim control the kiss, and though it felt hesitant it was the best he’d ever had.  
  
Parting, Jim and Bones pressed their foreheads together, sharing their breath.  
  
Jim closed his eyes when he felt Bones thread his fingers through his hair, gently cupping his head, and this time tears did fall.  
  
Jim tried to pull away as he felt Bones gently wipe his cheek with his fingers. Bones didn’t let him, though, and pulled him in instead, wrapping his arms around him and holding him tightly. After a second, Jim wound his arms around him and pressed his face to Bones’ shoulder and held on, taking what was being freely given.  
  
“Don’t let me go,” Jim whispered – so much in that one request. And Bones heard it all.  
  
“I won’t. I promise.”


End file.
